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Post & Paul: Uniting Tradition in Love | Seminary Student Blogger

September 06, 2013

Melissa Zaldivar

Melissa is contributing a series on the intersection of etiquette and the gospel. You can view her first post here, her second here, her third here, her fourth here and her fifth here. This post is the last in her series.

As I traveled to Minnesota, I was reading what Emily Post had to say about travel etiquette (I took a car, a train and a few planes to get here for a wedding), which, ironically, was the last section in Etiquette. And as the commuter rail brought me from Minneapolis to the suburbs, I finished the book. Dusk was settling in (and if you’ve never gotten to experience the vesper light of the Midwest, you may not have truly lived) and I had arrived, quite literally, at the end of a journey.

The last 300 pages are about celebrations, giving gifts and weddings. These are all traditions that have been passed down. (I’m not the first person to come up with bringing flowers to dinner.)

The essence of tradition is the fact that it is passed down from generation to generation. Someone said to me, “I think it’s good to know the rules of etiquette, but it just doesn’t exist anymore. People pass on fewer and fewer parts of etiquette until it is just gone.”

At the start of this series, I mentioned that our generation has a skewed view of etiquette, believing that one can be pretentious by abiding by rules of conduct. But the last five weeks have proven to me over and over again that it only betters my ability to love others.

So why is it that I had a skeptical view going into this? Why is it that others have had reservations about this project as a whole? The root of our pessimism may very well be self-preservation. It’s simpler to do my own thing. Putting forth effort to write notes and extend hospitality is something that feels forced at times, but I’ve not been able to shake the feeling that when I do those things, I am carrying on a great tradition. I’m writing notes because my mother did and because her mother did.

And there lies our problem: Letting go of etiquette means losing our connection with past generations. And what we think is making our own lives better is actually distancing ourselves from those who have gone before. Those who neglect history are doomed to repeat it. Those who disconnect will be isolated.

And therein lies the solution that Paul puts forth. If theology is the great tradition, and so much of Israel’s honoring of the Lord involved remembrance, perhaps there is a trace of the gospel in every act we undertake to love others that has been passed down to us.

The Jewish New Year was this week. The year 5774 is upon us. And while I’m one of the only Jewish people on campus, I knew that I needed to celebrate it with others. Because it’s been passed down and if I neglect it, making some excuse like “I don’t have time,” it will be forgotten.

So, in the 10 minutes before I left to catch my train to Boston and get on a plane to Minneapolis, I invited some friends to join me in welcoming the New Year. And we dipped apples into honey and I asked the Lord to let this New Year be a sweet one. And I stumbled awkwardly through Hebrew prayers, and in that moment I understood why I love etiquette. Because when you start living a life under these traditions, it does feel awkward. And it’s like slowly reading Hebrew. And just when I think that it might not be worth it, I finish the act and breathe deeply, knowing that thousands in years past and even in that moment whispered the same prayers. And asked God for a sweet New Year. And I am united to them.

Paul reminds us about our unity through conduct when he writes, “And above all these, put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body…Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom…And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything to in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him” (Phil. 2:14-16a, 2:17).

Emily Post wrote in 1922, “Good taste or bad is revealed in everything we are, do or have.” Friends, we have been given the gospel and we are called to pass it down to future generations. Let us teach them what good conduct is. Let us remind them what proper etiquette looks like. And may they know because of our actions that they are loved by the One Greater than us.

Melissa Zaldivar is an MATH student from California. She loves golf, theology, Jewish holidays, people falling in love, Jonathan Edwards, chocolate chip cookies, her adorable niece and telling stories. When she's not filming and photographing weddings, you can find her reading news articles, watching Parks and Recreation or playing Super Smash Bros.
 

 

 

 

Tags: Author: Melissa Zaldivar , equipping leaders for the church and society , etiquette and the gospel , student blogger , thoughtfully evangelical

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Post & Paul: We Are Not The First Generation | Seminary Student Blogger

August 30, 2013

Melissa Zaldivar

Melissa is contributing a series on the intersection of etiquette and the gospel. You can view her first post here, her second here, her third here, and her fourth here.

Summer is that time of year when your plans of endless fun come crashing down and you realize that you are no longer a kid. Long gone are the days of the beach and In-N-Out burger almost every day (I grew up in sunny California, where we do summer right.) Now we live in a world in which we don’t have class, but we have work. And work and also a little bit of work. Dinners have been a kind of lifeline for me because they’ve allowed for some much needed catching-up with friends.

So there I sat, across from my dear friend Ashton, catching up. We talked about work and family and Miley Cyrus and how the world that we know is a really sad, broken place and finally I said, “Emily Post is changing my life.”

And she is. Sure, I had my doubts at first. I thought it might just be a time machine read, a look into the past of how things used to be. But when I started to get deeper into this book, I realized that the reason Post labors over every little detail (example: If bacon is crispy, eat it with your fingers. If it is limp, eat it with a fork.) is that the heart of etiquette remains that same.

True etiquette is an action that is fueled by a care for others.

The way that we live our lives as believers should be no different. We hold the door for one another. We offer to help someone move. We volunteer in the nursery. Why? Because as believers, our conduct is greatly fueled by a care for others. Why? Because our Redeemer laid down his literal life for us.

Lately I’ve been watching a separation between the generations. There is a feeling of “us” and “them” when it comes to my generation, the “kids-these-days,” and those who are old enough to be our parents. We even splinter off our own lives in terms of how old we are. A friend recently remarked, “So many people I know (sometimes including myself) envision their future as a radical break from their past/present, but it seems to me that healthy futures always reckon with the formative nature of the past.”

The previous generations were greatly influenced by Post. She’s spoken into countless conversations, relationships and business deals. It’s because of her that you get thank-you notes promptly and shake hands when you meet someone new. And yet, there’s a lot of dislike for Post. When I first mentioned to a friend that I was reading this book, he quickly responded, “I’ll stick to my own etiquette, thanks.”

One of the most profound realities of the Church is that it is because of previous generations that we are here. Open up to Hebrews 11 and you’ll see the list of those who have gone before. We are not at this point in the history of the Church because of anything that we have done. In fact, millennials are kind of notorious right now for our rebellious distaste of the church of our parents and grandparents.

But oh, how mistaken we are if we go on believing that our generation is the solution to any imperfections in the church. And how sad it is to me when we continue splintering ourselves off from the past.

You do not get to create your own conduct or etiquette, because disciples died proclaiming that we are not our own. We are not millennials, or Generation X-ers. We are believers that come from a great legacy and a long line of preachers and parents and peasants and pilgrims. Our past is not an accident. It’s a narrative that the Lord is telling using the likes of us as those who pass on the torch.

Emily Post is reminding me that every action is a direct reflection of the heart. And Paul is preaching to me that our conduct is a window to the gospel. What a tremendous responsibility. Please don’t silence the past in an effort to fabricate a root-less future.

Melissa Zaldivar is an MATH student from California. She loves golf, theology, Jewish holidays, people falling in love, Jonathan Edwards, chocolate chip cookies, her adorable niece and telling stories. When she's not filming and photographing weddings, you can find her reading news articles, watching Parks and Recreation or playing Super Smash Bros.
 

 

 

Tags: Author: Melissa Zaldivar , equipping leaders for the church and society , etiquette and the gospel , student blogger , thoughtfully evangelical

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Post & Paul: Extending Grace in a Fallen World | Seminary Student Blogger

August 22, 2013

Melissa Zaldivar

Melissa is contributing a series on the intersection of etiquette and the gospel. You can view her first post here, her second here, and her third here.

I’ve made it past business attire, invitations and how to secure a job. But as I started reading Emily Post’s Etiquette on interrelationships, things started to get a little bit sad. There is etiquette in place for the things that are common issues. Things like chewing gum loudly and how to respond to letters. But these days, relationships are changing and the standards for them are starting to change as well. This chapter gave me insight into the most common relational issues, and as someone who thinks a great deal about the community in which I find myself, I couldn’t help but let it sink in: This isn’t the way it’s supposed to be.

We shouldn’t have to have so many chapters on how to end a marriage well or how to explain to your children that, “Mommy and Daddy don’t love each other anymore.” We shouldn’t have to navigate the areas of broken relationships. But the reality is: We live in a fallen world in which our relationships with one another unravel.

As I found the section on singleness, it only really covered one topic: How to live with a significant other. I once asked a friend when it was that they would consider dating for the sake of finding a future spouse and he said, “Maybe 29 or 30 years old.” The idea of committing to relationships in a biblical way is something that is harder and harder to do when the world just keeps telling us that dating in your 20’s is about having fun.

So how do we navigate the life that we’ve found ourselves in? Whether we are single or married, our lives ought to reflect the gospel and our relationships with one another need to be patterned after Scripture—not society.

In the same way that Post writes about addressing various relationships, we as the church need to be careful to do the same. The reality of the situation is that there are divorced people that we will do ministry to. There are wounded, broken families that we will come into contact with. There are single people in our communities that need to be affirmed in their singleness.

We live in a world that values our own comfort more than sacrificing for the sake of saving our relationships. Society says that at the end of the day, it’s all about compromise. It’s about just doing what is easier. And when we start to give into that mentality, we end up with a whole culture of people who are broken because no one is there to serve the church anymore. We come to serve ourselves.

Post wants to make the best out of a bad situation, but Paul reminds us that our perspectives must change in the here-and-now to avoid those bad situations. “Do not rebuke an older man, but exhort him as you would a father, younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, in all purity” (1 Timothy 5:1-2).

When we view one another as family, our treatment of each other changes. When I see someone not as married, divorced, single or otherwise, I’m not seeing them through the right lens. But when I see a sister in Christ who is struggling with feeling like God has left her out of marriage because she’s somehow less valuable, or when I see a brother aching because of the break-up that he’s gone through, I can minister to him better.

Post shouldn’t be the only one who tells us how to react to harder realities. Instead, we should be learning to respond in love, extending grace and carrying out the gospel in whatever marital status, past brokenness or current struggle we find ourselves in. We live in a broken world, but our God redeems.

Melissa Zaldivar is an MATH student from California. She loves golf, theology, Jewish holidays, people falling in love, Jonathan Edwards, chocolate chip cookies, her adorable niece and telling stories. When she's not filming and photographing weddings, you can find her reading news articles, watching Parks and Recreation or playing Super Smash Bros.
 

 

 

 

Tags: Author: Melissa Zaldivar , equipping leaders for the church and society , etiquette and the gospel , student blogger , thoughtfully evangelical

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Post & Paul: The Danger of Social Selectivity | Seminary Student Blogger

August 16, 2013

Melissa Zaldivar

Melissa is contributing a series on the intersection of etiquette and the gospel. You can view her first post here and her second here.

Etiquette has five whole sections on how we are to interact with others personally. Of the eight-section book, most of it is about how to treat others in a very personal way. These aren’t ways to tie ties or how to pick stationary or what to put on your resume. No, these are 462 distinct, intentional pages of how to consider others and their feelings.

As Christians, we should not be so unfamiliar with this. We are called by Paul to belong to one another. We are not our own, which we know, purchased by Christ. But we are also called to submit to one another (Eph. 5:21) and to remember that we, through love, must serve one another (Gal. 5:13).

So then, why is it that we find ourselves living very selective lives? Around the seminary, plans are made and broken often. And it’s alright some of the time. You get a cold. The baby gets a cold. Your computer crashes. But sometimes, something better just comes up. What is it in our hearts that desires to plan around our own wants? How often have you turned down an invitation (or worse, put off answering) until you find one that sounds more amazing? We are all guilty of this. But what does it say about where our priorities are?

Emily Post reminds us that we should always be honest. If you don’t want to go on a date with that guy, say so. Do it nicely, but don’t lead him on. If you ever have to answer any kind of invitation at a later time, always give a reason. When you say, “I might be able to. I’ll let you know.” It can come across as not really wanting to spend time with the person inviting you. This is rude, according to Post. Instead, she urges you to say, “I’ll let you know tomorrow—I’ve got to talk to my roommate.” Or something that communicates the truth and lets them know that they are not just getting the brush off.

Ah, the brush-off. The I-am-going-to-be-vague-because-I-don’t-want-to-be-mean-and-I’m-hoping-something-better-comes-up brush-off. You know the one.

Our social relationships at the seminary, at church or even where we live is not something that is supposed to tailor to our own desires. If someone invites you to dinner and you later get offered tickets to a Red Sox game, don’t cancel. If someone asks to study with you but you find out that a group of other students is studying somewhere different (like a favorite coffee shop,) don’t deter your plans. Living in community means that we have to give a little and not simply take. The real world isn’t Facebook or Instagram. Your life doesn’t always have to the best possible option that’s been presented. Rather, it should be the kind, considerate, respectful option.

Honor your commitments, friends. For in doing so, you honor one another and you honor Christ.

Melissa Zaldivar is an MATH student from California. She loves golf, theology, Jewish holidays, people falling in love, Jonathan Edwards, chocolate chip cookies, her adorable niece and telling stories. When she's not filming and photographing weddings, you can find her reading news articles, watching Parks and Recreation or playing Super Smash Bros.
 

 

 

 

Tags: Author: Melissa Zaldivar , equipping leaders for the church and society , etiquette and the gospel , student blogger , thoughtfully evangelical

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Post & Paul: It Is Always Worth It | Seminary Student Blogger

August 09, 2013

Melissa Zaldivar

Melissa is contributing a series on the intersection of etiquette and the gospel. You can view her first post here.

So there I was, driving in the rain this morning to Staples. I knew that it was coming and that it needed to happen. Emily Post, once again, had struck a chord in my life. I’ve been reading the section of Etiquette on communication. My mother, who grew up in a very proper, Emily-loving environment in northern Alabama, used to always nag me about writing thank you notes to my grandparents. Part of me didn’t understand the need to write someone saying, “Thank you for writing to me.”

As I stood in front of the card section, I picked up a box of blank cards for thank-you’s and thinking-of-you’s. There were 50. And they were 17 dollars. The song, “Had a Bad Day” by Daniel Powter started playing over the intercom as I lamented my low bank account numbers. Was it really worth it to do this?

While a phone call is often acceptable for something like, “Thank you for dropping off that book I left at your house the other day,” there is something to be said for good, old-fashioned note writing. Our words have some serious weight.

As I sat, reading what Emily had to say about this, I came across the sentence, “Remember: Written words have permanency and thoughts carelessly put on paper can exist for hundreds of years.”

In the same way that writing an angry letter (or e-mail) can be a reminder of the bitter taste of those sentiments for a very long time, positive words can be equally permanent. I still have heartfelt letters that I received in high school in a box in my room. And it isn’t so much that I’m a sentimental person (though I can be, to be sure) as much as I deeply appreciate hearing the affirmations of others.

Paul writes in Philippians 4:1 to his brothers and sisters in Christ, with words made heavy with affection and appreciation. He writes, “Therefore, my brothers, whom I love and long for, my joy and crown, stand firm thus in the Lord, my beloved” (ESV, Emphasis Added). The Apostle was not one to shy away from expressing his love for others.

Emily reminds us in a similar way that we are to speak to one another. If someone gives a gift, send a card. If a person isn’t home when you stop by, tell them that you are sorry you missed them. If someone is in need of encouragement, offer it. Some of the greatest bonds of friendship can be made or broken in times of great struggle or grief.

In my own life, I can remember exactly who it was that was there when they heard the news that I was hurting. I can remember who gave flowers or sent a note. But the funny thing is, I often hear bad news and choose the opposite. I read e-mails about tragedy in the church or in the Gordon-Conwell community and I never make contact with those I hear about, even if I pray for them.

There is no such thing as truly “a day late and a dollar short” when it comes to honestly expressing how we feel toward one another. Shauna Niequist, in her book Bittersweet, spoke this profound truth into my life a few years ago:

“I know you're busy. I know we forget sometimes. More than anything, I think, we so desperately don't want to say the wrong thing. It's impolite, we've been told, not to bring up nasty topics like loss and sadness. But if we don't bring it up, what are we left with? We talk about the easy things, the happy things, the weather, and then we leave one another totally alone with the diagnosis or the divorce papers… So when there's bad new or scary news or when something falls apart, say something. Send a note. Send a text. Send flowers. And if you don't know what to say, try this: "I heard what happened, and I don't know what to say."

I headed to the cashier’s stand with my 50 opportunities to express something to someone. I stood in line, paid for the cards, and walked out of the store with a mission given to me by Emily and fueled by the heart of Paul. When it comes to telling others that we see them and we love them and we are thankful for them, it is always worth it.

Melissa Zaldivar is an MATH student from California. She loves golf, theology, Jewish holidays, people falling in love, Jonathan Edwards, chocolate chip cookies, her adorable niece and telling stories. When she's not filming and photographing weddings, you can find her reading news articles, watching Parks and Recreation or playing Super Smash Bros.
 

 

 

Tags: Author: Melissa Zaldivar , equipping leaders for the church and society , etiquette and the gospel , student blogger , thoughtfully evangelical

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Emily Post & The Apostle Paul: Champions of Conduct | Seminary Student Blogger

August 01, 2013

Melissa Zaldivar

Melissa is contributing a series on the intersection of etiquette and the gospel. This is her first post in the series.

I sat across from my friend, Juliana, relieved. As we shared pizza and the sun set over the Hudson river in New York City, we were talking about an issue that has been brewing in my own life as of late: etiquette.

This word, loaded and often misunderstood, has been following me around the last few weeks. It’s been nagging me, until I went to the Hamilton-Wenham Public Library on a rainy afternoon and asked the librarian if they had the book Etiquette by Emily Post. I wandered upstairs, found the call number and winced.

Emily is the mother of modern etiquette and the standard that many still keep to. Need to know how long you have to send thank you notes after your wedding? Ask Emily. (The answer, by the way, is 6 months.) Need to know how to get people to stop gossiping? Ask Emily. (A conversation should never be about someone else, especially in a group…)

The complete, 75th anniversary edition of Emily Post’s Etiquette (16th edition, updated by Peggy Post, her great-grand daughter-in-law) is 845 pages. Still standing firm in my conviction that this last book from my summer reading list would be somehow worth my time, I checked it out. All 45 chapters of it.

When I say the word etiquette, a lot of eye-rolling has taken place. Many eyebrows have been raised. One friend, when I told her that I was making it a summer goal to finish Emily Post’s Etiquette, straight up laughed. She asked me why I would follow old rules that no one uses anymore. Weren’t they a little old-fashioned, daresay pretentious?

I’ll be the first to admit that it’s hard to get through chapters on topics of dinnertime discussion and folding notecards, and I’ll probably just skim the chapters on weddings, seeing as I won’t be planning one for quite some time. But the point of this book is about the little, meticulous ways to be fancy. The spirit of the law in play here is one of a great idea: consideration.

Paul tells us that we are to conduct ourselves in a manner worth of God (Phil. 1:27). And while I don’t take that to mean “follow pointless, fancy rules of society and etiquette in a manner worth of God,” I do have to pause for a moment. What Paul is saying is that we need to pay attention to our behaviour. We are called as believers to make others feel appreciated and loved. We are reminded to be patient and compassionate and understanding.

As seminarians, we are the future leaders of the Church. We are the pastors and worship leaders and youth workers and small-group organizers. And while we want to believe that our head knowledge will come into practice, it is going to take, well, practice. Actions must be thought through. If I responded to every situation with my instinctual response, I might not have any friends. Emily Post was a woman who just wanted us to think and consider our actions for the sake of making others know that we care.

That night over the Hudson, my suspicions were confirmed: I’m not the only one wondering if the old ways of etiquette can be revived. Juliana said to me, “In ministry, if you can’t notice and respond gracefully to people grievances or confront in a kind way, people notice.”

As leaders in ministry, people are paying attention to our actions. We’ve all had that experience of being on the receiving end of less-than-grace, of being jousted by poor etiquette. And it was rough. In the next few posts, I want to think about the theology of etiquette. How do we live peaceably with one another? Does what we wear or say to others, or write in emails really matter? How can we show others that we love them and value them?

I have a hunch it starts with humility, perspective and paying attention to the details of our everyday lives.

Melissa Zaldivar is an MATH student from California. She loves golf, theology, Jewish holidays, people falling in love, Jonathan Edwards, chocolate chip cookies, her adorable niece and telling stories. When she's not filming and photographing weddings, you can find her reading news articles, watching Parks and Recreation or playing Super Smash Bros.
 

 

 

Tags: Author: Melissa Zaldivar , equipping leaders for the church and society , etiquette and the gospel , student blogger , thoughtfully evangelical

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